Mistakes Were Made

D. H. Lawrence
Photograph: Bettmann/Corbis

토요일.
느즈막히 일어나 다즐링티를 담은 머그를 손에 쥐고
다시 이불속으로 들어가
게슴츠레한 눈을 하고 Sons and Lovers를 읽는다.
Miriam과 Paul의 관계.
Paul과 Mrs Morel의 대화.
어떤 확실하지도 않은 것에 대한 미묘함
분명한 경계가 없는 느낌의 표현이 너무 생생해
작가의 자전적인 얘기가 아니라면 도저히 이렇게 쓸 수 없을 것이라는
결론을 내렸다.

그들 둘이었기에 가능할 수 있었던 관계가 저물때쯤
Paul이 Miriam에게 보내는 편지:
"May I speak of our old, worn love, this last time. It, too, is changing, is it not? Say, has not the body of that love died, and left you its invulnerable soul? You see, I can give you a spirit love, I have given it you this long, long time; but not embodied passion. See, you are a nun. I have given you what I would give a holy nun - as a mystic monk to a mystic nun. Surely you esteem it best. Yet you regret - no, have regretted - the other. In all our relations no body enters. I do not talk to you through the senses- rather through the spirit. That is why we cannot love in the common sense. Ours is not an everyday affection. As yet we are mortal, and to live side by side with one another would be dreadful, for somehow with you I cannot long be trivial, and, you know, to be always beyond this mortal state would be to lose it. If people marry, they must live together as affectionate humans, who may be commonplace with each other without feeling awkward - not as two souls. So I feel it.
Ought I to send this letter - I doubt it. But there - it is best to understand. Au revoir."

Miriam의 답장 중:
"Our intimacy would have been all-beautiful but for one little mistake, [...] Was the mistake mine?"

Mrs Morel과 Paul의 대화중:

Paul: You mean easy, mother. That's a woman's whole doctrine for life - ease of soul and physical comfort. And I do despise it.

Mrs Morel: Oh, do you! And do you call yours a divine discontent?

Paul: Yes. I don't care about it's divinity. But damn your happiness! So long as life's full, it doesn't matter whether it's happy or not. I'm afraid your happiness would bore me.

진짜 D. H. Lawrence가 끝까지 그렇게 생각했을까.
Paul이 어떻게 되는지 한 200쪽 더 읽고 볼 일이다.